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And there was no doubt who was who in our situation. I mean, Jay was always apologetic after a fight, especially if he had given me a black eye or a fat lip, and the makeup sex was really hot. In some ways it excited me when he got angry and hit me, because it made me feel secure in the sense that I knew he loved me. I had seen the same dynamic in my mother's relationship with Monica - who was definitely the "man" in that.One night Jay took me to the city to a club called Port Authority. I was young, and I looked even younger, but the staff knew Jay, and my going in was never a problem. In fact I saw a lot of very young guys in there - always twinks - like me. They'd be in there with their "Daddies - usually ultra masculine guys wearing leather vests and pants. Jay dressed like that too, but he told me to just wear a pair of really short jeans cutoffs, sandals and a tank top. On my first visit there I was shocked when I went to use the bathroom. I was dimly lit, and at first I didn't. I went into the kitchen and took a butcher knife. I tried scratching my arm with it and couldn't make a mark, so I tried pressing harder. Still no mark, so I tried to push the knife into my arm. Nothing, so the ultimate test. I raised the knife and stabbed as hard as I could at my stomach. I heard a scream behind me just as the knife touched my abdomen. There was no penetration of my skin at all, though the cloth of my shirt was cut. The most glaring results of the experiment were a badly bent knife blade and Julia lying on the floor in a dead faint.I was bending over her limp body, wiping her face with a damp cloth, when everybody rushed in to investigate the scream. I noted that Amy was the only one who was armed! When she came around, Julia's first words were a question for me, "Massa, why did you try ta kill yerself?"At that, Amy interjected, "What's she talkin' 'bout, John?"I could see that now was the time to tell all. "OK, everybody, have a seat at the table and I'll explain..
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